“I can’t be bothered” “It doesn’t matter” I don’t care”
It happened just yesterday, that I eventually was able to face my past as a young mum of four kids by watching old VHS videos of the time back then. For years, I wanted to convert those old cassettes to dvd’s or to a USB stick and send them to my children, now adults, some with their own kids.
Did it hurt to watch? Yes, very much. Even more so, because I have personally grown since. Now to watch and see all my shortcomings and failures in the context of abusive relationships, let me struggle with feelings of self-condemnation, regrets and shame. I did not know better then.
Emotional healing did not happen in one day, but every day a bit. Emotional damage did not happen in one day, but every day a bit, as far as my life concerns, maybe yours too?
As we know from Physics, energy cannot be created or destroyed. Where did all the negative energy go? The pressure energy of me not being good enough, not pretty, sexy, smart enough? Being called from my in-laws a freeloader and a parasite. I’ve been told by my in-laws, that if I would have been a loving mother and wive, their son, my ex-husband would not have become a sex addict and cocaine addict.
All that negative attitude towards me got re-directed into apathy by disconnecting to who I was. Apathy is a shield against more emotional pain. It means no feelings, and it evolves to: “I don’t care”, “It doesn’t matter”, “I can’t be bothered”, and “whatever.” ……It evolves to loosing friends, not making new friends. This feelings of nothingness is evolving into building walls instead of bridges.
Result: I became combative. Protecting myself and rather kick and bite than getting caught and hurt.
Horses don’t want to get hurt either. They love being in a herd. They love good leadership. They love peace and harmony. They love to be free within the safety of their herd band.
My wake up call was at a Buck Brannaman colt starting class. As long as horses are connected to themselves, they have a flight fight or freeze reaction to protect themselves.
By then, I learned a lot about good horsemanship. And I’ve seen the beautiful change of a horse’s mind, when he realizes, that there is no harm, just good people who want to get along with horses by becoming a team.
The worst of all states is to be totally “switched off”. I’ve seen it in those bomb proofed dude ranch horses or in a round pen during an amusement park event, where ponies must walk endless circles with kids. It breaks my heart. I’ve seen pictures of discarded pets in shelters, unwanted elderlies and kids. Broken eyes and broken spirits.
Is this why they call it horse breaking? What do they break? Bones? The Spirit? The will?
So, what do you do when you have lost interest in people, activities or maybe even self care?
How on earth can I get my life back?
In my case, I began a journey of personal growth and leadership. And I am so grateful that at the same time, I started focused journaling.
Therefore I can see the pathway to success, which is being healed and whole. I own it. I know how. And you may heard the term: ”You cannot give what you do not have.”
Been there, done it, have it, can give it. If this is for you……..
Remembering that “Energy cannot be created or destroyed” I redirected it to re-invent and re-create myself. Being mentored by the John C Maxwell team, I learned it. Even more. With being certified by John, I have lots of tools and content to empower others.
And by learning from horses and humans, I created Equine Assisted Learning Workshops to help people to be, do, have and therefore give more.
Change, transformation and grow is an inside job. And every living being either grows or diseases. Energy moves either positive or negative. Either for you or against you.
The status quo can either be a departure point to success or defeat. And who we are matters: To self and in relationships.
Our very first encounter with horses is always about relationship and connection. Always.
Our Think Tank Outposts with horses as thinking partners are built on the foundation of:
R E A L = Relationship Equipping Attitude and Leadership HOW? By:
L E A D = Learn Experience Apply and Develop self and others. WHY? To:
BE DO HAVE GIVE MORE to live a purpose driven life, to add value to people, to be a river and not a reservoir.
I hope to see you at our place.
Thank you for reading my blog
Serendipity Ranch for Unexpected Learning